my body 101

I got made fun of last night.

I told my husband several weeks ago that I started using a tracker app for my period. I did this because I’ve basically been on the birth control pill (BC) for about 10 years now and used my handy dandy little pack of pills to tell me when Aunt Flow (AF) was making a visit. I stopped taking the pill in December and was ashamed to admit I had no idea when I was supposed to start that month. You’d think it would be easy to remember something that happened just a few weeks before. But then the rest of your life happens and it feels like AF could have been last week or 7 weeks ago. As any sexually active person in the world knows, it’s a very disconcerting feeling when you’re not sure when you’re supposed to start your period.

So I downloaded one of the more simplified tracker apps (no need to record my basal body temperature (BBT or “temping” and the like just yet) and plugged in my last 3 periods. It was great. It showed me when I’d have AF and also what days I was most likely to ovulate each month. Wait… Ovulate? Oh yeah! I totally forgot that stopping BC would mean I’d start ovulating again! The last time I was ovulating on a regular basis I was in high school. I barely remember what that felt like. And back then I didn’t notice much more than that feeling of getting punched in the ovary once a month and thinking “Oh. I must be ovulating. Glad to know I work.” And then I continued on with a life that was much more focused on homework, band practice, and teenage politics rather than what my body was doing.

I can thank my research for bringing this back to the forefront of my mind. I learned that in all honesty, I have been taking my body for granted. The convenience of birth control made me very lazy. After reading about the very common difficulties so many women have, I should be thankful for what my body is able to do and take much more care to be in tune with it. There are so many signs and symptoms. None of them are set in stone and all of them differ from woman to woman. I knew it was time to start being a better steward of my own body and listening to all of the amazing things it can tell me. The female body is a complex and beautiful thing!

So last night Danny and I were talking about a work conference I found out I’m going to in May. I pulled out my handy dandy tracker app to make sure we wouldn’t miss my fertility window for the very first month we planned to “stop trying not to get pregnant.” And he started laughing at me. He had discovered all the little notes I’ve been keeping.

When my ovary starting hurting after my December period, I had added a note that said “small ovary hurty” on the day it hurt. (And research told me I should be ecstatic that not only signs of ovulation were already happening but also that my period was only 3 days late for my very first cycle off BC!) When I noticed a little extra cervical mucus (CM), I added a note. When at the beginning of what my app said is my ovulation window for this month, I noticed that my cheeks were flushing, I added a note. And just in case, I’ve been adding notes about when we have sex too.

Danny just thought this was cute. He doesn’t get it at all. But I don’t expect him to either. Things are pretty simple from the guy’s end. But for me, I can’t claim to have a type A personality and care about all the little details if I’m not making the effort to pay attention to my own body as well. Even though I’m not temping or testing, I want to use these next few months to get to know my body again. So that when we do “stop trying not to get pregnant,” I’ll be that much more aware and informed.

PS  - But seriously guys. Who ever heard of rosy, flushed cheeks as a sign of ovulation?? Hormones can do some pretty incredible crazy things.

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the bet

If I am the ultimate woman who needs to be in charge of her environment, then my husband is the ultimate man who is able to just go with the flow.

And I mean it. I need a Plan and I need to stick to the Plan. I need to know all of the options and all of the consequences ahead of time. I need to formulate plans B and C just in case the Plan doesn't work. And if we go off course from the Plan, I go in to full on crisis management mode to get back to the Plan as soon as possible. Hello, my name is Jennifer and I am type A.

All of this means that once I really was off my birth control (and once things had settled down from Christmas), type A me went in to full on baby planning mode. I started reading What to Expect when You're Expecting and learned that getting pregnant wasn't just a matter of you and your husband making love. Oh no. There's tracking your ovulation on a calendar, taking your basal body temperature before you even get out of the bed in the morning, documenting this thing called cervical mucus, and even taking something similar to a pregnancy test to see if you are ovulating so you and your husband know exactly the moment when it's time to go go go!

I told my husband about everything I was reading and all these things we could apparently be doing to get pregnant and he stopped me in my tracks to keep me from going off the type A personality cliff. Then he very lovingly, with only the teeniest bit of frustration, very firmly laid down some perspective. All of those scary, kinda gross, and definitely not romantic things I just mentioned were all for couples that were trying to have a baby. We are simply going to stop trying not to have a baby. Because, as Danny put it, if you’re trying to have a baby, then it’s a chore. But if you are simply no longer “trying not to get pregnant,” it makes for all of the sexy time and none of the stress.

While it will be really hard for me to not be actively trying to do something (I need a plan damnit!), this perspective will be really good, i.e. healthy, for me. No pressure. No stress. Just no more remembering to take my birth control every night and sexy time with my hubby whenever we want. That sounds much better.

So I’m fine, right? Totally relaxed and going with the flow? Wrong.

While I know I’m not allowed to go in to operation Let’s Get Me Knocked Up Before The End Of August, it wouldn’t hurt to get a lot of my research out of the way, would it? So I’m still reading my What to Expect when You’re Expecting book, I’ve downloaded not one, but two apps on my phone for period tracking and pregnancy forums, and I’ve subscribed to both the Baby Bumps and Trying for a Baby subreddits. Just how I dove head first into wedding planning and to this day love a juicy discussion about chiavari chairs, pintuck linens, and garden roses versus peonies, my type A personality loves to know everything there is to know about something and now I’m wading fairly deep in the challenging world of maternity.

And some of this research is not premature (pardon the pun) and fairly helpful. For example, I know it would be a good idea to start taking prenatal vitamins. So I’ve been researching what the recommended levels are for prenatals and what options are out there. I also know that my sister was diagnosed with Compound Heterozygous methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (aka MTHFR) (aka compound heterozygous mother fucker), and that I will need to mention this at my preconception appointment so that my ObGyn knows to test me for it and check my homocysteine levels before I start a prenatal vitamin. 

This is where I got in to trouble. Someone on one of the forums I’m now following mentioned a product called Pre-Seed. I’d never heard of it before. Apparently, most lubes and even saliva are not sperm friendly. Pre-Seed is a sperm friendly lube for couples who are trying to get pregnant.

Think of it as the sperm HOV lane for lady parts. I thought this would be a great idea for our sexy time and approached Danny about buying it for when we stop “trying not to get pregnant” in May.

He was very patient and let me get through my entire schpeel of how I found out about it, how it worked, and that I thought we could maybe get some for us. Then he said no.

He knows my personality and my propensity for planning and he is absolutely adamant that 1.) this will turn in to a mission and 2.) we won’t have any trouble getting pregnant. But I need control! Of course I’m worried I won’t get pregnant! Don’t you know who I am? I need to worry! So I tried to come up with a compromise. He’s so sure we will get pregnant right away and won’t let me do any of these things like buying sperm-friendly lube to help speed things along. If August rolls around and we’re still not pregnant, we can take a break for the fall and winter and not start up again until after the new year so I won’t have a summer or fall baby.

But even that didn’t work for him. Because to Danny, a compromise like this means that this new phase of no longer “trying not to get pregnant” is actually us actively trying to get pregnant and even worse, us considering the possibility that we might not get pregnant right away! And to Danny, that's just way too dangerously similar to a chore.

So he came up with the bet.

Danny is so positive (or at least, trying so hard to exude positivity) that we will get pregnant the very first month we stop “trying not to get pregnant,” that he is willing to bet something major on it. So if we do get pregnant that first month, he wins. If not, I win. [It’s really ingenious if you think about it because while I’ll be stressing about not getting pregnant, at least if I don’t that first month, I’ll still have “won” something.]

At first, I thought maybe we could bet who gets to pick the middle name. But Danny doesn’t have a middle name in mind that he likes, so it wouldn’t really be a prize to him. Then I thought about the wall color for the nursery. But adding pregnancy hormones on to an already type A personality is kind of the prefect super storm of a reaction if Danny picks some horrible color that doesn’t go with the Pinterest pins of nursery ideas I’m already amassing. I’ll update you when I come up with something really good. It’s got to be something that the winner will be super excited about, but the loser will still be able to handle.

Either way, I love my hubby for his constant ability to understand me and to come up with fun ways to give and take.

continue reading "the bet"

keeping it a secret

As soon as Danny and I decided that we would start trying to get pregnant, I knew instantly that I wanted to keep it a secret. As loud and outspoken as I can be, I am actually a very private person about these kinds of things.

Why I don't want anyone to know we're trying:

#1 It's gross. In my opinion, basically what you are saying when you tell someone "you're trying" is that you're having sex. No one needs those mental images, especially close family members. But there is also the inevitable pressure every woman places on herself. Being able to get pregnant is deeply rooted in what it means to be a woman. When it comes time to actually try to get pregnant, I have this secret fear that I might not be able to. Then I would be forced to not only redefine my feminism, but also our entire life plans. Women worry. It's what we do. I'll be doing my best to keep the worrying in check, but in the mean time, I don't need the well-intended pryings of friends and family. All of the "Are we there yet?"s will only make things worse for me.

This also means I won't be stocking up on pregnancy tests. No po (that's post ovulation for all you newbies out there) testing for me. I am going to do my damndest to not test until af (aunt flow again for you newbies) is late. I don't want all of those questions and I'm sure my uterus doesn't either. I've got to keep this as stress-free as possible for all of my neurotic self.

Why I don't want anyone to know when we find out we're pregnant:

The most dreaded of reasons is the most obvious. The chance for miscarriage during this time is really high and I just don't think I could face telling people I miscarried. God forbid that does happen to us, I'll feel like a big fat failure. But I also want my husband and I to have that special time when it's just a secret between the two of us. No questions about baby names or suggested home remedies for morning sickness. Just secret smiles between my husband and me.

For Danny and I, I think what will work best is waiting until we're through the first trimester. I know this will be a very big, very hard secret to keep. But I really really want to. I want this announcement to be big!

I know that many families will choose to do things differently. But this is what's right for us. Until that big day comes when we can announce to the word that we're going to have a baby, I'll be here, telling all of you anonymous readers all about the newest thoughts and developments.

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bump ahead {hopefully}

Apparently, when you grow up, you have to make important decisions. No one is there to decide for you. You can take this realization in one of two ways: either you feel grateful that you are able to decide for yourself where your life is going, or you are completely overwhelmed at the thought of being responsible for the consequences of making the wrong decisions.

Right around the time of our one year wedding anniversary in October, Danny and I starting talking about what was next for us. If we won the lottery, we’d buy the house of our dreams (or 2, or 3 houses), and start a family right away. But with some lingering credit card and student loan debt, we decided we needed to choose between saving for a down payment on a home or having a baby. This talk was very grown up and led us into unsailed waters. We used a down payment and monthly mortgage payment calculator to determine a budget, had our realtor send us listings, and even drove around to look at houses. We also researched the effect of age on fertility, cost of day care for the baby, and what maternity benefits our employers offer. When it came down to it, we decided we loved the rental home we’re in now and that we both wanted to have a baby first. (Yay!)

I was very excited about the idea of us starting to try. But I’m a very private person and didn’t want to tell anyone, even my mom what our plans were. Danny and I went on a very sweet date and talked all about this new plan for our future. We even went to Barns & Noble afterward and perused the baby books section. I may or may not have bought the classic What to Expect when You’re Expecting while we were there. One of the reasons I was so excited after our decision that we would start trying for a baby stemmed from my family’s reaction to my wedding. I’m going to try very hard to not sound like a brat here, but my family was pretty much tired of weddings by the time I got married. I am the youngest of four and as coincidental timing would have it, my parents had to go through 4 straight weddings in back to back years. By the time my wedding came around, there weren’t any “my baby girl is getting married” tears. It was more “just tell me how much money you need”. By the time my wedding pictures came in, my mom barely looked at them because my brother, who had gotten married 3 years prior, was proud to provide the first grandchild in the family and just happened to be visiting. So it was finally my turn to not be last. Imagine the surprised expressions on their faces when I told them we were pregnant! And with only one grandchild in the family, there was a 50/50 chance we’d have the first granddaughter! For the first time, I’d get the excitement that I missed out on from parental milestone fatigue.

Then, with one phone call, everything changed. My mom called to tell me my sister was pregnant. And during that conversation, we learned that she had forgot to mention in previous phone calls that my step-sister was also pregnant. I hung up in tears. Not one, but two babies would be born in the family next summer. My very sweet husband held me and told me it would still be special because it would be ours - our experience and our baby.

Since time was on our side, we came up with a plan. We got lucky that open enrollment for both of our employers was going on during all of this. I compared each of my husband’s available medical plans to each of mine. And we were able to sign me up for the plan that covered the most, cost the least, and was accepted by my ObGyn and the hospital. (Yes, I already had an ObGyn, but that’s just because my Gyn just happen to also be an Ob.) Now when we did get pregnant, I wouldn’t have to worry about things like whether or not we could afford an emergency room visit. After over 10 years, I stopped taking my birth control pills in December. And I have my preconception visit next week.  

Then we had to consider timing. I do not want to be 9 months pregnant in the 100% humidity 100 degree Georgia summers. In the fall, you’ve got Danny’s bday, our anniversary, and HELLO! Georgia football. In the winter, I already get annoyed at sharing the birthday spotlight with Jesus. So the plan is to have a late winter / spring baby. We will start trying in May!

Neither family nor any of our friends know any of this. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to start this blog. This will be my place to come to share all of these experiences from the journey on which we are about to impart.

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