keeping it a secret

As soon as Danny and I decided that we would start trying to get pregnant, I knew instantly that I wanted to keep it a secret. As loud and outspoken as I can be, I am actually a very private person about these kinds of things.

Why I don't want anyone to know we're trying:

#1 It's gross. In my opinion, basically what you are saying when you tell someone "you're trying" is that you're having sex. No one needs those mental images, especially close family members. But there is also the inevitable pressure every woman places on herself. Being able to get pregnant is deeply rooted in what it means to be a woman. When it comes time to actually try to get pregnant, I have this secret fear that I might not be able to. Then I would be forced to not only redefine my feminism, but also our entire life plans. Women worry. It's what we do. I'll be doing my best to keep the worrying in check, but in the mean time, I don't need the well-intended pryings of friends and family. All of the "Are we there yet?"s will only make things worse for me.

This also means I won't be stocking up on pregnancy tests. No po (that's post ovulation for all you newbies out there) testing for me. I am going to do my damndest to not test until af (aunt flow again for you newbies) is late. I don't want all of those questions and I'm sure my uterus doesn't either. I've got to keep this as stress-free as possible for all of my neurotic self.

Why I don't want anyone to know when we find out we're pregnant:

The most dreaded of reasons is the most obvious. The chance for miscarriage during this time is really high and I just don't think I could face telling people I miscarried. God forbid that does happen to us, I'll feel like a big fat failure. But I also want my husband and I to have that special time when it's just a secret between the two of us. No questions about baby names or suggested home remedies for morning sickness. Just secret smiles between my husband and me.

For Danny and I, I think what will work best is waiting until we're through the first trimester. I know this will be a very big, very hard secret to keep. But I really really want to. I want this announcement to be big!

I know that many families will choose to do things differently. But this is what's right for us. Until that big day comes when we can announce to the word that we're going to have a baby, I'll be here, telling all of you anonymous readers all about the newest thoughts and developments.